Dad

Two weeks ago, July 30, 2023, I was going to sit down and write about how I felt. My dad had been in hospice for a few days. You know, it is a waiting game. Around 4 in the afternoon, my sister called to tell me he had passed. He had told my mom the day before that he had talked with his dad and it wouldn't be long. I guess his dad was right. 

My mom wanted a graveside service on Friday. We went in to "get it done mode".

Wes and my brother in law dressed him in temple clothes. Ty didn't come until Thursday evening and left Friday around 2. You miss a lot when you choose to be left out.

We had to tell something we learned from dad. He wasn't much of a parent, it was pretty hard to come up with something.  

I looked back and my bestie Liz was there.  It made my heart happy to see my children with her. She's just the kind of friend who is always there.

I want to share a couple of thoughts.

I had a rough relationship with my dad for many years. He worked out of town all week. He would come home on Friday and go to the Elks Lodge and get drunk. Saturday was devoted to his hobby of choice, fishing when he was young and then golf, and plenty of drinking. Sunday was the Weekly Report and some more drinking. He was not a parent. 

I had to work through my feelings and it took years. In the end, we are all responsible for our own feelings. I couldn't change anything or even ask for an apology.  I owned my feelings. I moved on. Eventually he did stop drinking. He became a different person. By then I had already adjusted my attitude and although I was happy for him, I was glad that it was not life changing to me. 

When Lynn was in High School, when we had family dinner, she and my dad argued for hours. Talk about indigestion.  Looking back I can see that he was 'parenting'. I wanted none of it. So when he tried to argue with me, I would just agree with him. I didn't know it would drive hom crazy, it was a consequence I didn't see coming.  He would tell me all the time that I could never finish anything. Sometimes I would tell him, 'You're right, I can't even finish my dinner .'   

He was wrong and I knew it. I'd go to work and stay until I was finished. I finished my AA from Yuba college...I took a year off,...but when I came back I did two 18 unit semesters to do it. I finished sewing projects, I finished my mission.  I use to run and would finish my 3 mile program every day. He never acknowledged these accomplishments, but I did and I learned to live my life without looking for validation from others. Best thing I ever learned from him. 

I believe he did the best he could and despite it all, I learned a lot from him. Just not the kind of stuff you would say at a funeral.